It’s not called Eden. At least the “Garden of God” mentioned in Genesis 14 isn’t;In fact, no Biblical celebrities from Adam to Zachariah, ever specifically call the verdant paradise a derivation of the Aramaic root for “fruitful pleasure”.Like the garden set east in a territory called “Eden”, if ever there was an earthly allegory,Summerian myths be damned,the gated community ofKatamanda estate, set across half an acre of tropical greens overlooking the Andaman Sea would qualify.
An Investment-Grade Holiday Home: Hideaways Club Santisook Villa
I was recently an honoured invitee, ferried from Phuket International to this paradisiacal sanctuary nestled above the KataNoi Beach in Southwest Phuket and while it is resort living at its finest, it comes with none of the hustle or bustle associated with having neighbours engaged in Club Med-esque activities, quite the opposite really, you live as Bruce Wayne would, alone (or if friends and family in tow) served by a butler, two maids and an exquisitely decked out three storey villa complete with personal lift should the stairs prove to be a little proletariat for your tastes. Most importantly, this is one privilege you cannot pay for on a night to night basis, you have to be invested. Literally.
The Hideaways Club is an investment fund, combing a portfolio of the world’s most luxurious properties with the growth of gold standard financial instruments- with a relatively small cash investment starting at the lowest tier of USD 200,000, you get access to a global network of 40 of the world’s most premium and exclusive villas, ski chalets and chateaus with holiday entitlements of up to six weeks of stay per annum.
As the Mercedes Benz Sprinter which carried myself, in-laws and progenypast the guardhouse and officers standing at attention, into the small road past the club house, it was all the visuals I needed to relax even before I set eyes on the zen-minimalist foyer to the lavish mansion I would call home for the next five days.
Pennyworth to my Wayne, the concierge greeted my family at the door with maids in flank, helping the adults square away strollers and baby carriers and other assorted child rearing paraphernalia with nary a judgemental look. I mention this because the one conceit never mentioned in most lifestyle magazines- the tacit assumption that you happen to be a swinging bachelor with a string of girlfriends across the seven continents. God forbid you happen to be a successful businessman and loving father to two tots, ill prepared for the stream of condescending stares as you attempt to wrangle crying kids at the club house or resort restaurant during dinner; Villa Santisook serves as your literal home away from home and prying eyes, the nearest neighbour is 20 metres away blocked by thick foliage leaving you pretty much to your own comforts and designed so lavishly as to serve as further encouragement to never-ever, wanting to step out of the doors of the estate and indeed, it took some convincing by the missus to leave my secure slice of heaven for the slightly less-than pristine Kata Noi Beach, a stone’s throw away behind the locked double oak gates of the community.
Constructed in 2009, Villa Santisook is a concept of indoor and outdoor living. It’s spacious beyond reasonable expectations containing five en-suite bedrooms including one which pulled duty as a room for my helper with bunk beds for four kids; yes, surprisingly, toys came included- everything from sand castle building implements to boardgames and play-pretend dinner sets which my daughter Kaylee wasted no time in getting me to sit down with her for a spot of tea.
Even as exclamations of pleasure echoed down the hallway past the glass sliding doors separating well-equipped gym and ping pong table, I excused myself from my precocious toddler long enough to issue instructions via intercom to Aeh, our butler, for two masseuses for the wife and mother in law to be enjoyed in the gazebo with two massage beds, just down the pebbled stone path besidethe glass chateau which housed the iron weights and exercise machines. When my girl tired of playing pretend, I decided to introduce her to the joys of Nintendo Wii set up in the large living room- naturally, the hit game of all time, Mario Kart, was first on the menu. Hours passed without my awareness and I was roused from a particularly fun session of “letting the kid win at the races” as I drove Princess Peaches off the racetrack cliff once more to peals of laughter from the two year old. The missus poked her head in and asked if I wanted to take the family out for dinner. Exhausted from a day of travel, I told her to let our butler suggest a suitable repast for the evening. Guided by the mother-in-law, a spry fifty-something with a penchant for Gucci and Vuitton, they planned a spread of seafood, steak, chicken and glass noodles the likes of which I had never seen.
Aeh does the shopping for you and then provides you an itemised receipt, greasing his palms with a little extra, he went on his way as the maids proceeded to prep for dinner. When they pulled out the Avalon outdoor appliance with three infrared burners, I was half expecting dinner to be one of those “party barbeque” experiences with half-cooked chicken wings- boy was I wrong.
When Aeh returned, he tossed me the batteries for the Wii controllers and started to give instructions to the maids for food preparation, there was to be no cooking for me and mine this eve, chasing me off to my room, the service staff set up the outdoor dining table with fine china, silverware and then, to my raised brows, rolled out baby high chairs. Jesus, does this villa have everything?
“It would take over an hour to cook sir. How about a bath?” askedAeh.
Passing on the opportunity, I decided to hit the infinity pool instead. Salt water is harder to maintain but it comes with all the protective properties of good old chlorine and none of the chemical damage to mucus membranes and hair and it’s the stuff which comes standard in the finest of swimming pools. Diving in, I swam to my heart’s content right up to the edge, sending the water crescendo-ing down the glass walls of the mansion’s pool room on the 2nd floor where the in-laws were getting into a rousing game of billiards, interrupted with moments of laughter as my daughter’s fascination with red billiard balls took hold, snatching them off the table before they rolled into the pockets had good mathematics and physics been left unimpeded. The wife did her parody of paranoid mother, wiping down the chairs in the interest of child safety when cleaning them clearly wasn’t necessary. As night fell and the maids started their processionary march to the long table with arms occupied with bowls of stir fried noodles and thai rice in tow, I climbed out of the pool, handing now hyper-tots to mother and helper while I headed to take a bath in en-suite hot tub. It wasn’t a long soak as the scents of grilled meats, charred prawns and sautéed crabs wafted past the large walk-in wardrobes and into the twin bath area. Drying off, I donned a cream linen suit to join family for dinner. The maids waited on us, serving us helpings of oysters and assorted shell fish and we feasted as the infamous King Zhou, last Emperor of the Shang dynasty probably did in his 酒池肉林 or “wine pool and meat forest”. Aeh commenced the celebrations, popping the complimentary bottle of Moet &Chandon and then he excused himself for the evening. I’m ashamed to say that there was plenty leftover and the maids stayed up to clean and reset the poolside dining area for breakfast service in a little over seven hours but as I reclined, tart red in hand, I admired the Khmer wood carvings and low walls adorned with apsaras, peering out into the moon’s reflection upon the Andaman Sea.
With the kids safely in bed downstairs, I overheard the family in the living area in a heated game of “dai di” or pick-up cards, their conversations and guffaws, masked in part to the hanging Cambodian silks and East Asian paintings. While the architecture is distinctly Balinese, the villa is decorated to the modern definition of luxury- a Mediterranean sensitivity with tasteful Asian motifs and bas-reliefs. With maids retired to their cove just beside the mansion’s garage with space for two to three vehicles, we too decided to call it a night and retreated to our rooms- for myself, luck of the draw blessed the missus and I with the room next to the pool and listening to the waves, sleep would claim me in a matter of minutes.
That said, for most men, we don’t really pay attention to thread counts and sheets, it’s usually the wives who educate us to the benefits and joys of sleeping on only the best weaved high-ply Egyptian cotton. I can’t say I took a deep interest in the goose down pillows on which my head now rested but as I turned to cuddle, the sensation of skin on ultra-smooth, ultra-luxe linens was simultaneously arousing (heads out of gutter, in a tactile manner) yet comforting. As the Sandman claimed me, I used my last words for the evening (or was it early dawn) to communicate with the wife, “See, we over-packed.” She shot me a withering stare, lit only by the starlight which came through the floor to ceiling windows and in her cot, little Jeanette, the youngest of my spawn, turned.
It’s true, Villa Santisook is the kind of vacation which comes well-conceived and ready to suit your every desire and need. We came bearing all manner of toys, entertainment and creature comforts for the children when none were necessary. Short a deck of cards, it was no feat for Aeh to drive out and pick some up for us in addition to the toothbrushes, beer and batteries. The Villa had everything, what it didn’t, the service staff acquired in no short order.
Over the next four days, we lived and ate as kings, venturing out only to the Mom Tri Kitchen down the rather steep slope as recommended by Aeh. With kids out exploring with their mothers, the brother in law and I even had time to hit the gym and get much needed deep tissue massage from the masseuses on a daily basis. I came looking to relax, but instead, I found heaven. To date, over three decades of existence, it’s the only holiday I remember to suffer the anguish of a paradise lost when it came time to depart.
Villa Santisook is only available via The Hideaways Club, your key to property investment and luxury contemporary living. Only high net worth individuals or sophisticated investors need apply.www.thehideawaysclub.com
The Millenary 